PHONING THE WHITE HOUSE A GUEST EDITORIAL BY ADVANCED MATERIALS Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office. If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one. If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House's endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb). If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded. If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year. If you are calling regarding the administration's unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local Chamber of Commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can't vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area. If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line - it is always open. If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy. If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don't want to hear about it. If you are calling to complain about the White House's efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific research. If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don't want to hear from you. If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611. If you are calling to complain about the President's efforts to "privatize" social security, please press 1 and then the pound key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market. If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 10 and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly. If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman's right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately. If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years. Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again. Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you. [Huzzah! Great stuff! - Jerky] Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY May 17 On this day in 1536, four dudes who had allegedly fucked Queen Anne Boleyn are publicly executed. Yer old pal Jerky hopes her mole-riddled poon was worth the price. On this day in 1992, conductor/accordianist Lawrence Welk -- North Dakota's favorite son -- dies peacefully in his sleep roughly a decade after everybody began assuming he was dead. On this day in 1978, Charlie Chaplin's coffin is discovered ten miles from the Swiss cemetary where the director had been recently laid to rest. An officer at the scene drops dead of a heart-attack when, upon opening the coffin to verify that Chaplin's remains were still present, a giant boxing glove shoots out and pops him a good one right in the kisser. On this day in 1804, the historic duo of Lewis & Clark begin exploring the land acquired from Napoleon by Thomas Jefferson, in a sweetheart deal known as the Louisiana Purchase. The way he got it for so cheap was by cutting the redskins out of the deal. Real shrewd! Two years ago in the Dirt, yer old pal Jerky ran an article about the many anomalies surrounding the Nick Berg beheading video. You can read it here.

THEY SAID IT! "If Diebold had set out to build a system as insecure as they possibly could, this would be it." - Avi Rubin, a Johns Hopkins University computer-science professor and elections-security expert, sounds the alarm on the looming catastrophe of the 2006 elections. Come to think of it, these last six years of constant alarm-sounding make me wonder if Aesop ever wrote any fables in the vein of 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf', only there really is a wolf every time, and nobody does shit about it. If he didn't maybe it's time for some new fables. *** **** *** "I don't feel he is owed any respect whatsoever." - Dixie Chick Natalie Maines takes back the apology her record company forced her to make after all hell broke loose when she said she was ashamed to be from the same state as Preznit Dubya, way back in the day.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Dac! One day a black guy is walking down the beach and he spots something shiny. He picks it up and realizes it is an oil lamp. "Holy shit, I wonder if this motherfucka could be a wish-giver like the movies!" So he rubs it on his pantleg and there is a POOF sound, some smoke, and a blue djinn appears. The black guy steps back. "What the fuck!!!" he says in amazement. "I am the djinn of the bottle and I can grant three wishes!" he booms out. "Hey man, that's cool. I like that", says the guy. "How about making me all white, up tight, and outta sight?" "As you wish, master" says the djinn, and claps three times, then disappears. The black guy turns into a tampon. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Towjam for sending in today's second joke. Q: Why do men die before their wives? A: They want to. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Javaid... There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10, so I won't worry." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys. 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!"

FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOPJ, it's kind of scary when the right and left agree on issues. In the instant case, I think the raid on Jefferson's office struck fear in the hearts of both parties because it just might set precedent for future raids. So this could be a matter of law and principle, but it's probably a matter of 'I hope they don't find my cache of incriminating evidence'. YOPGessier [Probably. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, It's a sad day when Paul and Heather are getting divorced, and everyone is making jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic. Heather has hired an expensive lawyer in an attempt to extract as much money as she can from Paul, but I don't think she has a leg to stand on. Aram [If Heather reads your e-mail she'll be hopping mad. - Jerky] *** **** *** hay jerky i said it before and ill say it again WHERE THE FUCK IS [CENSORED] NOW THAT WE NEED HIM?!? banknut [Easy, Leonard. Go easy, man. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ -- Just got back from a week away from everything, including the Internet. In catching up, I wanted to thank you for the link about the WTC fires in response to my note. Just the type of info I needed. Though this is purely anecdotal, I had a conversation with an off-duty pilot in an airport bar duri9ng my travels which basically confirmed my impression that jet fuel had been reformulated to burn out fast. And in the "myth of the eternal return" dept., here's something interesting from this week's US NEWS & WORLD REPORT's Washington Whispers column you might find intriguing. JYT [Very intriguing indeed. - Jerky] *** **** *** Here's what we do; Replace all female flight attendants with good-lookin' strippers! Why not? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do it all myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton [Good idea, Bill. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dearest Jerkster, Over several beers, the Black Dog & the Buddha have come up with a solution to the illegal immigration "problem." Whenever an illegal is caught, La 'Migra needs to ask "Do you have a job?" If the answer is "Yes," we keep him. He's a worker, and now that's he here, he can pay taxes. For every new tax paying worker we gain this way, we deport one 2nd or 3rd generation welfare recipient. Looks like a Win-Win [well, it did when we were on the Guiness]. Tucker [What happens when we run out of Mexican welfare recipients to send back? Can we legally ship our white trash over to Tijuana? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; This is a very nice song with pictures. I met this singer in a pub in Cornerbrook, Newfoundland about 4 years ago and had a drink with him and the band. Enjoy the pictures and song. Ok, Mack [Newfoundland is a lovely and mostly unknown part of the world, to be sure. I have a feeling it will be one of the safest and most sought-after places, post-Armageddon. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com