ANOTHER LATE AND FILTHY WEEKENDER I (DON'T REALLY) HATE TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO! Yer old pal Jerky feels really bad for all those people who were sucked in by "The Great Jesus's Brother's Bones Box Hoax of 2002," as he's recently taken to calling it, and if you can say that ten times fast without gagging, I'll fly over to your house and eat your socks… but not really. Actually, I couldn't give less of a shit, come to think of it. But I stray from the intended path. This is because I am deeply, shatteringly stoned right now. Can you tell? Of course you can't. PUNY HUMANS!!! Anyway, Israeli archaeological experts revealed last week that the inscription on the stone box recently alleged to have once been the ossuary of Jesus's brother, James, was a forgery. Shuka Dorfman, the ridiculously-moniker'd director of Israel's Antiquities Authority (whatever that is) said: "The ossuary is real. But the inscription is fake. What this means is that somebody took a real box and forged the writing on it, probably to give it a religious significance." Another archaeologist, who chaired a committee of experts investigating the box, informed reporters that the conclusion was unanimous, indicating that the inscriber had cut through the stone's natural "patina," using "modern text." So not only was this thing a forgery, it was an obvious and utter forgery! You'd think with all the cash the dumb-ass sheep-of-the-flock pass down to all those Holy Rollin', Bible Thumpin' Billionaires' bank accounts, they could whip up some more impressive frauds than that. I mean, this is on the level of a plaster cast of a Bigfoot track, for fuck's sake! *** ***** *** God-damn. I wish I hadn't spent so much time at the Climate Hot Map.. Now I feel like I need a shower... in the mosquito-repellant dEEt! I guess we should start preparing some room in the barn next to WAR, now that her broodsister PESTILENCE is on her way to join her. Sounds like she's coming in at a full gallop, too. I'm thinking of number 102 in particular. Just scroll down. Oh, and before the world melts away, why doncha take a trip on over to www.dailydirt.com and take part in the poll we've got going on there? It's on the left side of the screen - no, your other left - just over the first buncha ads. Come on! Help make yer old pal Jerky the World's Favorite Fat Man! *** ***** *** THIS IS FOR ME... Philip Stone died this week. You probably never heard the name, but you almost certainly know who he was. He played Grady, the ghostly butler, in Stanley Kubrick's film version of Stephen King's horror masterpiece, The Shining. The Shining is one of yer old pal Jerky's favorite movies, and I always remember Jack's washroom encounter with Grady (not the rotting corpse lady from Room 237) as a rare and impressive moment of complete creative meshing between three very forceful artists. And this, in a film often criticized for taking too many liberties with its source material. In that scene, the mise-en-scene - the totality of the direction, timing, cadence, editing, rhythm - is pure Kubrickean perfection. Jack Nicholson's performance is simply note-perfect, utterly rock solid and unshakably insane. And yet the dialogue was taken verbatim from King's novel. The scene shines. Now, think about it... what chance does little-known character actor Philip Stone have to leave an impression in an artistic maelstrom such as that? And yet... he manages to steal the fucking scene. He totally steals the scene. I can think of worse legacies. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 21 On this day in 1969, homosexual icon Judy Garland dies in London at the age of 47 in a freak accident. Seems she opened her medicine cabinet a little too roughly, triggering an avalanche of perscription pills, which crush her. June 22 On this day in 1633, the Roman Catholic Church forces Galileo Galilei to disavow his own (correct) theory that the Earth orbits around the Sun, rather than vice-versa. Three hundred and sixty years later, in 1992, the Vatican admits it made a mistake, and that Galileo was right. Which leads yer old pal Jerky to wonder... how long do you think it will be before they finally admit to making up all that GOD crap, just to keep the rabble nice and docile? June 23 On this day in 1990, a rally to save the television series Alien Nation from cancellation is held at the feet of the Statue of Liberty, providing more proof that our nation urgently needs to implement a harsh eugenics program, or else we're all doomed. And, YES, it's gotten worse since then. A lot worse. On this day in 1993, Lorena Gallo Bobbitt slices off the top of hubby John Wayne's cock and tosses it into an empty field. Late-night talk show hosts are only now allowing us to forget this sordid, sorry bit of trivia.

THEY SAID IT! "Some say that it's unpatriotic to question the administration. I say it's unpatriotic not to question the administration. ... Support the troops - it's not our fault. I didn't support the policies, but I did it because it was my job, and I'm proud of who did it. A lot of soldiers have returned from this war with the idea that this war was unnecessary." - Staff Sgt. Bradley E. Owens did his country proud in Iraq, and now that he's rotated back to the world, he's doing his country proud again by doing his damnedest to see that Preznit Dubya gets turfed from the White House come 2004. *** *** *** "I used to hate the Internet. I thought it was just a place where people stole our products. But I see how influential these fans can be when they build a consensus, which is what we seek. I now consider them filmmaking partners." - Marvel Features cheif Avi Arad talks a big game, but if that's true, where's my money motherfucker?!

JOKES! Today's first joke is a real snooty one, and was sent in by our old pal Maddox... A man goes to the Lucas Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a decanter full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton." The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager of the hotel trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows, it is not the 1928 Mouton. "My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I made the wine." Consternation. Finally the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You own Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location." Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another in the other, and smell the difference that a small matter of geographic location will give." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Elton for sending in today's second joke. Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man. "Hell, no!" replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking chair!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Jack Cole sent in what is probably the worst joke we've run in a long, long time. Two Mexicans were about to be executed by the government. One of them, Juan, was terrified beyond belief. The other one, Pedro, was very calm and composed. Juan asked Pedro, "Aren't you scared? We're going to die tomorrow". Pedro replied, "Amigo, I'm not afraid. Look at it this way. Tomorrow, they will execute us both. Naturally, we'll die. And naturally, we'll be buried. After we're buried, there are two possibilities. If we rot and maggots eat our bodies, that's the end. But if not and we grow into trees, again there are two possibilities. If we become fruit bearing trees, that's it. Finished. But if we become trees that people turn to paper, again there are two possibilities. If they turn us to newsprint or those paper used in school to write on, we're done. But if they turn us to toilet paper, there are two possibilities. We can be used by an hombre and that, my friend, is the saddest thing to happen. But if we are used by a lovely senorita, there are two possibilities. The senorita can use us to wipe her ass and that amigo, is the stinkiest end possible. But if the senorita uses us to wipe her pussy, amigo, why are you afraid to die?"

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky my man, On June 22, 2003, The Washington Post reported that in his radio address President Bush points to the "...vaccination of 4.2 million Iraqi children younger than 5." If true this means that approximately one-fifth of the Iraqi population is under five years old. Given a total population of 25 million. OK. Could be. But 4.2 million vaccinations in the 10 weeks the United States has been in control of Iraq? Are we to be believe that Iraqi, Non-Governmental Organizations and military medical personnel have vaccinated 420,000 children a week? How can this be? What were these children vaccinated for, I.e., normal childhood immunizations? Is there actually that much vaccine available in Iraq? How do you line up 4.2 million five year olds for serial vaccinations? Of course with typical Administration forays into the unreal, perhaps the kids were vaccinated via airborne vaccines sprayed from specially equipped C-130 refueling aircraft. Signed: Roy Rodgers Dear Roy; If the President says we've already vaccinated every child under five in Iraq, well sir, that's good enough for me. He's never given us cause not to believe him in the past, so why should he start lying now? And by the way, I don't appreciate your tone. You can expect a visit from your friendly neighborhood Homeland Security Freikorps Gruppen Total Information Awareness Officer within the next day or two. Or maybe they'll just read your mind with one of their brain-scanning satellites. It's a toss-up! *** **** *** hey mopj i need some advice. most of the humans i work with think that i am psychotic. they try to give me ideas by talking to each other about various manners in which to kill yourself or others. besides being very annoying and mundane i appreciate the ideas. by the way i liked the sandpaper room idea. but that is not enough for these "humans". these people want a bomb or they want a man armed to the teeth with machineguns etc. i have some other ideas... do you have any suggestions for the method of mass murder? or are you chicken? Signed: MooCaz Buck, buck... Buck-OCK! *** **** *** Dear Jerky; I applaud you on keeping us informed about the latest developments with the Bush Administration and all the atrocities. Just wondering... how do you manage this in just a few hours a day?? Signed: McMahon Dear McMahon; Yer old pal Jerky uses many different time-saving techniques in order to ensure that he has enough time in the day to devote to his mission in life, updating the Daily Dirt at least five times a week. One way I save time is by not correcting anything I write. What you see published in the Daily Dirt is mostly "first words to paper" as they used to say in the days when they actually used paper for this sort of thing. Another way I save time is by continuously putting off that vital bypass surgery my doctor says I need to have done. I'd say that, all in all, it's been a pretty good trade-off!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: LIVE, FROM THE INSIDE! Care of: T.J. Dear Jerky; I really appreciate your internet news letter. I am a naval reservist officer who was mobilized after 9/11 and work for the organization within the Navy that mobilizes and demobilizes all naval reservists. I take pride in the fact that the organization is 100% staffed by reservists and that we have accomplished our mission. The point of this email is to express my contempt for the ideas expressed by the majority of my fellow reservists I work with who think America should use force to set up an American Empire. It is tough to understand because most of them otherwise are very pleasant and fun to be around. I realize that because I work for the Navy that most of my co-workers will be very conservative. I understand and accept pre-9/11 conservativism. I am very alarmed at what America has done in Iraq and at home. I don't understand how our education system has produced so many people who cannot see the similarities between what the US is doing in Iraq and what Imperial Japan and Nazi Germany did. Those countries convinced their people they were superior to all others in the world and that it was acceptable to use force to achieve their goals. I hear those same comments about the US now. My coworkers would never consider using force to get what they want in their personal lives but have no problem seeing the US government do it to other nations. Why the disconnect in morality? Those countries have people who end up having American force used against them just as sure as if my coworkers had done it with their own hands. I work with a woman who was first mobilized to GITMO in Cuba. She talks with pride about how they played loud rock and roll music at all hours of the night to torture the prisoners. When she told me this story I thought to myself how she would feel if American POWs were exposed to music they found objectionable at all hours? What ever happened to ethics and the Geneva Convention? Anyway thankfully I have only another few weeks till I demobilize. Thanks LCDR "Thomas Jefferson" [Other than "thank you for your service to your country," what could I possibly say that you haven't already thought to yourself a hundred times by now? I'll have to resort to platitudes: Know your own strength, and use it. Try to see things 'their way,' up to a certain point, but be true to yourself and your positive principles by helping others to see things your way, too. Don't let slide the unacceptable. You'll only regret it later. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com